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How to lose friends & influence no one

Updated: Sep 2, 2021

Part I

I know why you're here, you have the charisma of a Greek deity. A Jawline chiseled from stone. You exude raw sexual energy! But all that gets exhausting after a while. You want something different, to be left alone. Lose all that chaff, here is how.


The first thing people judge you on is how you appear, especially in public. You have to frump-a-dump yourself up. I know what you’re thinking, why not go full meth addict? It's boring and probably illegal. Commit crimes on your own time, Sarah!


Let's start at the top. Your head, or at least your hair. Make sure your hair looks wet, like soaking wet at all times. You could use all kinds of fancy products like gels, waxes, sprays, shampoos, and conditioners. There is a much simpler solution. Go down to your local grocer and buy some oil. It could be olive oil, coconut oil, vegetable oil, Crisco, even a nice chunk of lard will do nicely. Before you go out, rub some of that oil into your hair. Not only is this a cost effective way to make your hair look wet but it will look greasy as well. Some oil might get on your clothes and that's ok.

“Wait I don't have any hair!” I hear you say. Don't worry, I have you covered. You probably have some amount of hair. If you shave, stop! Start growing out that magnificent comb over. Your head is a fleshy river and you are engineering a hair bridge to connect both sides. The goal here is, when you get out of the pool people should wonder “how is there seaweed in the pool?” if you are so inclined you can also try Steven Segal’s hair triangle method.


Next is your face. The two most important parts of your face are your teeth, and eyebrows. For your eyebrows, you are going to want to go to the extreme. If you have bushy eyebrows like Eugene Levi embrace them. Let those suckers grow into the multi-legged eldritch horror that belongs on your face. Most people don't have insanely prominent eyebrows; you can shave off half of each. I recommend the outside of one and the inside of the other. This will make you look lopsided and less symmetrical.


Next is teeth. Teeth, how many do you really need? Ditch as many as possible! You may want to keep a few molars for chewing (coward) but the front two need to go! Start plucking those pesky mouth rocks out of your skull. Or at the very least stop taking care of them and let time do the work. Ideally a bit of both take some out now and let the rest rot away. You want a few tiny brown nubs to accentuate your mouth. If you really want to really go for gold you can file your little brown mouth nubbins into points and tell people it's for self defense as you scamper into the bushes.


Clothes are a bit trickier, if you go too far one way you end up in the high end couture and people will gravitate towards you. If you go too far the other way you may accidentally start a new hipster trend and will have too much attention upon you. So what to do? Go down to your local Walmart or Target, observe the people that frequent there and buy similar clothes. I recommend an A-frame shirt a.k.a. “Wife beater” and some sweatpants with elastic at the bottom of the legs. Lets not forget some long white sock worn over the sweats and some classic suburban dad style, white new balance sneakers. Once you have your new wardrobe, whatever you chose, make sure to never wash them. The more stains the better; sweat, food, bodily fluids. The more the better, even the oil from your greasy, oily, constantly wet hair.

Stay tuned for part II where I inform you about other thing that will help you lose friends and influence no one!

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