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How to lose friends and still influence no one

Updated: Sep 2, 2021

Part II

We have covered your appearance. If you followed part I you now have; weird always wet hair, small off centered eyebrows, strange clothes covered in various stains and no more than 5 rotten and somehow pointed teeth. But now we are going to move on to some behaviors that will get people to leave you alone...or report you to the proper authorities. It's your call on how far to take this.


The trick here is to smell bad, real bad. Like the illustrious skunk you want people to feel sick being around you. We all have that one relative, you know the one. You go over to their house and it smells like something died in there. They have their “spot” on the couch, or chair in front of the tv. Nobody in the family has ever seen them move from that spot, except lumbering to bathroom or shoveling food in their gullet like John Goodman. Well that piece of furniture is what professionals call a fart sponge, and that is what you want to smell like. Could you achieve this by wearing the same clothes everyday? Sure. You could also carry around your favorite article of clothing and bare ass fart on it when the need arises. This will make sure you bring that musky aroma around with you at all times. Tuck it in your pocket, wear it around your neck, use it as a diaper for extra fun. This brings me to my next point...


I'm talking about your actions out in public, what you do in the privacy of your home is up to you. Even if that involves nude ballroom dancing with your dog. Or that one time you were relaxing on the couch when nobody else was home and so you decided to give yourself an umpkin. But you forgot the blinds were open and the mailman came by and caught you in the act so you waggled your genitals at him as an invite to join in. Terror crept over his face and you thought he was going to have a heart attack but he sprinted off before anything else could happen.

What I'm talking about here is your behavior at parties, on the bus, at the store or a restaurant. Corners are your friend. Always peek around corners, then just hover there essentially spying on everyone else. This will help you distance yourself not just physically but emotionally from “them”. If someone asks what you are doing just stare at them for 6-7 seconds then hover in the nearest doorway. This will put them at unease but also allow your stench from the previous section to waft around as people pass you. Sometimes not answering isn't an option and for that we have...


At some point you will have to talk to someone. Most people have a fairly normal voice, some people have a James Earl Jones voice but I can only think of one. Some people were blessed by the gods with a screechy annoying voice like Fran Drescher. If you don't have Fran’s off putting harpy voice I have good news for you, impressions! I like to channel Monty Python when they do the aged English wife bits. That is to say high pitched unintelligible shrieking until the police arrive and shut the sketch down. As high pitched and obnoxious as you can get.

Some folks can’t do impressions and that's ok. I have another tactic that you may freely employ. If the sound you make out of your mouth isn't enough to keep the people away, then the content should. Talk about your religious beliefs and (this is the key) try to force your beliefs on the people you talk to. Really push it, even when they try to change the subject or tell you that it makes them uncomfortable. If you don't have religious beliefs there are plenty, big and small, that you can borrow from. Mix and match until you find the most obnoxious.

So if you have followed all the steps properly you should be completely out of friends and nobody will want to interact with you. Congratulations you are now free?

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